Controlling you is controlling happiness

Why did CONTROL matter to you so much then and why now?

 

 

He asked. White American cool kid on Crisis line. I said because I didn’t feel loved and nurtured. My need for this hurt me all my life. So I replaced it with power and control of others therefore situations. If I had power over them I had control of their respect and obedience
I needed this more than I needed anything bc this was my happiness I was trying to keep safe and untouchable

Controlling my need to be approved was to be the one who did the approval. Always experienced collective animosity from beta rivals so I knew that came with alpha matriarch personality… which benefits me more than it hurts my progress in more power therefore control is what keeps me isolated from how ppl see me…. Their criticism does not matter if I can fire them or leave them for good and for life….if I can control the amount of hurtful comments about me then I am happy and respected… Unloveable child is asleep for now while momma is out there being an alpha female fighting her mommas voice every day I know she disliked me for a reason she was dislike able and I was her child….. If I can be the powerhouse their hate couldn’t make it to me…… That’s happiness I need and fight for…..I know I am unloveable but I hate to be reminded of my childhood painimage

 

 

 

Advertisements

Suicide is not on my mind

image

You could be suicidal and that doesn’t mean you are weak. That means you are free of the obligation to appear strong and self governed and that is actually cool. I wish I didn’t feel that I had no self esteem or abondenment issues. I wish I didn’t pretend that I loved me enough to be confident enough bc I am 27 and still trying to be validated

suicide is not a NPD way to leave

Too good to be ending my life over depression some other organisms caused FUCK OUTTA HERE I’d rather have you suicidal before I take myself out

BDP OR NPD?

imageI wondered if I had borderline personality as oppose to NPD. I had to find out what was exactly causing my rage and issues with people so I was honest with myself. I acted more like a NPD bitch than a BDP princess. I took pride in my reluctance in suicide or cutting. I also don’t agree with drug use being self harm. Since I use them for rewarding purposes. To switch dimensions and experience self. I use it to disassociate from everything that’s bothersome and unfair. Hell if drugs cause harm than I should think of it as a side effect because drugs let me stay out of jail and in the country.
Anyways I knew I was not solely BDP but possibly had NPD comorbidity issue at hand but I had to disagree with its possibility. If one uses superiority as power vs codependency to stay in control is what it all boils down to. Control is what controls us. We lose more of it when we try to get more of it. We both need to be needed and as irreplaceable as possible but NPD makes them feel that they need us bc we are better. BDP will make them feel they need them bc bdp person makes the other one better…. NPD deals with fear of abundance by leaving the scene while BDP stays to turn things around. Both without sufficient anger management skills are self defeating and impulsive. BDP will play the victim well while NPD will judge and prosecute someone else for causing them the anger burst
BDP will cut self to disassociate from a painful experience while npd will fantasize about torture and payback

Narcissist’s Love

Who woke the semi-dead
Who woke the kitty kat
Who ignited the spark
Then who kept in the dark
Then look dead in her eye
The mute, the rude the deaf tone
The moot, the void, the death row
I gave him lava, bonfire, inferno
The bad, the ugly, the numb, yo.

image

Narcissism

no face woman

I suppose there was always a pre-determined outcome
for self absorption, in your life.
A mother with a failed aspiration,
“I was a singer too you know”
A sister with a similar dream.
She was going to be a pop star, wasn’t she.
And you, a film producer.

You were the golden children of your family.
Older siblings, sometimes envious,
of the adoration your parents felt
for their newest offspring.
Of course, you never noticed.

You were the blessed pair.
The revered twins.
You were the most attractive,
the most talented.
You wanted a different life
than that of your older siblings,
with their mundane aspirations,
isn’t that right?

‘They’ve made mistakes’
‘They just don’t have as much ambition as I do’

‘You know, they’re damaged’

And tell me,
what children of divorce
ever really come away unscathed?

You never knew their pain,
but I did.

I watched.
When you left for…

View original post 484 more words

The Narcissistic Gaze Part 2

Here is the part two
A poem I wrote for you
Mic check one two
Fat Lady can you cut the blues
Let’s focus on this poem I named “Black and Blue”
A metaphor for the dead when their skin changes its hue
With love I never felt,
With respect that was never due
Mourning for you with your #MCW
He is taking it very hard like I do
So I may have to use your lube
This is a remix to No Vaseline by Cube
And play it at the funeral home and post it on YouTube.
After all this could have been all avoided
But I will engrave the first verse on your tomb, granted

image
You were an exceptional woman
With substantial image you depicted, a narcissistic challenge that got accepted
You wanted to hit first
So you gain recognition
Instead you are released on your own recognition
Into the mud you go, what an unfortunate departure
Like a first time offender in the worst penitentiary with the most fear in his heart but the loudest mouth as his front
A sucker who will get sucker punched then served as lunch. A lame who can’t come out to the yard but his cell is too hot

and that bunk bed is too hard for that hurt butt. You seek dominance in a wild place, you get put in your place which is underground. You get smart with the wrong one, let’s watch you become organic matter then a mere mineral. You took the wrong turn or looked the wrong way, it ain’t a homicide, There is no criminal
The crime is nonexistent if it’s a suicide
you play with matches, you get burnt, science y’all.
Better play with suitable matches cuz this mismatch will hurt you love
Idk who you are
too burnt to identify
won’t be the same after all like a butterfly on day five
Dead but buried alive
You go out once and for all
Talk that lame talk
Walk that shame walk
Had folks stayed in their lane
They wouldn’t have ended up slain